A New Chapter

What happens if I get that job and i move away and you guys dont end up working out? What if you dont work out after a year? Will you still want to try us again, will you still have any sort of feelings for me? What if i am far away? Do we try it out for a little while and if we decide its worth it, do i look for a job back down there where you are? I would do that in heartbeat..if i moved away and we tried long distance for awhile (not saying that is ever going to happen because it probably wont) and we realized this is what each of us wants and wants to continue i would apply to freakin idexx as a phone person just to be with you. I would move back in heartbeat. There are plenty of jobs around the area that i can apply to and id suck it up to be with you. Id suck up answering phones and conversing with clients on a daily basis to BE WITH YOU and thats saying a lot. But if that ever does happen for now moving away is a better choice. Even being in Portland is too close to him. I wan

I want to know what its like to date you and your entire self. Your heart your mind body and soul. Not part of you and the shit part of you and her and her heart. I just want you and i and no on else. The entire 9 months we dated it felt like part of you her and i. I want to be the only person you think of when you wake up and the last thought before you go to bed and everything in between. I know you thought about her all the time which is shitty. I want to know what its like to be your number one and not your number two. Its so unfair we never got the chance to. I wish i would have met you at a different point in your life when it was just you and you actually had your heart so you could open it to someone else. What is it like for you to love a girl so much you would hurt someone else so badly to be with her? What's it like to be in a relationship with you where you are obsessed with the woman and would kiss her feet if she asked? She is the only one who has ever had all of you

I really don't know if I ever talked about it but basically after we had a wonderful day together because I hadn't seen him in a week (we'll skip the part where he got home early lied to me then cheated on me) and as we snuggled down to watch a movie decided to throw the words out we need to talk. Why those words are the worst things in the world to hear. I actually don't remember most of what he said because as soon as he said those words he started bawling his eyes out so a lot of it was muffled through the crying and I was sick of asking what he was trying to say. He cried more than I did in fact I had to almost slap him because he was crying so hard he couldn't breath it was kind of annoying. Basically he said we needed space because he was only going to marry a girl once and wanted to make sure it was the right one and his heart truly belonged to someone else at the time and it would continue to be a lie if he stayed with me and it would be worse for us if we

I constantly want to ask him stuff but ill type it out and then erase it because id rather wait to ask him when i see his face..his handsome adorable face. anyways today i did ask him if we could get together after all the holidays in January for like a trial run go eat dinner somewhere and he said sure sounds fine. I was not expecting that at all. What i was expecting was why do you keep pushing it i will tell you when i am ready to see you but i guess not. So i was like well uh thanks for changing your mind i guess? and he hasnt talked to me since than so im like shit wtf dude I wanted to send him a message today asking how why when my friend asked him like a week after we broke up if we were broken broken up and he said he didnt know yet and it was too soon to tell. Okay so its been like 2 months and you still really havent given me an answer and every time i sort of bring it up you keep saying i dont know i dont know the answer to everything i dont know blah blah WTF DUDE HOW CO

Does she know how lucky every damn day she is to have you? to have someone as amazing and wonderful as you. I hope she tells you that every day, I am so lucky to have you i am so lucky i never lost you because you never tried to move on from me and just held on even while getting strong feelings for another girl and fucking her up. I hope she spoils you every chance she gets. You deserve it. You are a good person who has made mistakes and poor choices but that just makes you human. I never regret any moment with you. I hope she tells you every day more than once that she loves you to the moon and back and she couldn't imagine her world without you. How she wants to wake up to your handsome adorable face every morning and gets butterflies every time you leave from work because she cant wait to see you. How even at work she craves your touch even though she just saw you an hour ago before you left for work. I hope she cares for you until her dieing breath and never thinks of anothe

Every day I am trying not to talk to him but i always end up texting him first. I wanted to stop talking to him long enough that he would think of me to talk to not that he ever would...hes too preoccupied by her all the time.  I had to just keep thinking of memories over and over, back in January when we both went nuts because we just wanted to hold each other because neither of us had been able to do that for a month since we had come to terms that we really liked each other a lot. I had never even hugged you before. I have never wanted to be in someone’s arms as badly as yours in those moments we had to wait until we could finally see each other and do that for the first time. a hug is all it took for us to realize and feel this is exactly what we want. we need to be together. Ugh Im also getting him a Christmas present for him and i told him that it doesnt mean he have to get one for me.  And since he didnt respond to that he probably agreed but didnt want to say that for

I finally opened up last night to him. This is what I said: And now I feel like i'm in the spot you were in several years ago with her that I am with you. Except a smidge different feelings wise. And she didn't choose an ex over you by uh cheating. But it's similar in a way. And I don't know what's going to happen. I know you don't love me so that's the biggest difference there. And makes a huge difference. And i'm not putting my life on hold but idk it's hard to explain to people. And I know she makes you happy and that's what matters the most. Your happiness. Not who you end up with so whether its her or me. As long as you live a long happy life with someone that's important. Your happiness is what matters to me. You will always hold a special place in my hear no matter what happens in the future. You became one of my best friends when we dated and ive been selfish through this whole break up thing. Whatever happens happens and you will al

I do not believe we were put on this earth to just love one person our whole lifetime. We were created with the capacity to love many people throughout out life, even more than one at a time.They say the average person falls in love 7 times before they get married. You could be happily married and so in love with your husband for the rest of your life but that doesn't mean a long the way you didn't fall in love several times or even continue to love people while you are with your husband. Just because you love someone so much does not mean you are meant to be with that person. There maybe people in life you will never stop loving but that's okay. You have a big good heart we are all capable of it. You just have to be willing to open yourself up to it after getting hurt the first time and move on. Falling in love is one of the most amazing feelings and every time its different with a different person but it will still feel just as amazing the first time. When I started to

      Yes it has been quite awhile since I have blogged in this for well a couple reasons. One being work got horrible busy this summer and my life as well which I didn't mind I was having loads of fun and then the loads of fun stopped by Corey cheating on me and then breaking up with me so yea. id blog all about it but I have talked about it so much with everyone now that I literally cannot talk about it anymore. its very complicated. I should have seen it coming with his ex and all but I was hoping I would have stayed happy this time with him especially after the way he talked about me and our future. basically he wants time apart to be with her to see if things work with her and if they don't he will try us again. I fell in love with him but his heart was always with her no matter how hard I tried so there was no chance for me. I don't think there will be a second chance for us because he's so obsessed with her he will do anything to make it work so I don't know

I made some pumpkin cream cheese muffins the other night for friend dinner night and they were a huge success. I will be making baked frosted donuts with sprinkles tomorrow. I do try to bake at least once a week. I cant bake at all at my boyfriends place which sucks because he literally has nothing i need and buying a stand mixer which i use all the time is a bit pricey so one day when i move out of the parents house into a place with said boyfriend i can start to bake more which is like another year or so.. I haven't really made my own recipes, im not that good but im also still learning and sometimes i add my own twist to things to try it out and usually comes out just as good. I have a few of my own things but not very many. I will slowly add to my baking collection over the next couple years. My mom bought me a ceramic red pie plate today to call my very own:) I have really have become to love baking and i am trying my hand at cooking as well but that can be a bit more expens

So i have been with corey for 7 months now and well i have known him longer than that but still we haven't been together for a super long time. The discussion of love has come up, I mean we talk about everything and his side is that every time he is with someone it takes him longer to love someone than before but i am not that way.  After my last ex broke up with me after 2 1/2 years i definitely built up a wall and had a fear of trusting anyone and scared of falling hard for someone for fear of getting hurt. It took me A LONG time to get over him. The first guy i met that took a couple bricks off my wall was Anthony. Damn i liked him so much he was literally perfect to me, personality and looks, exactly what i was looking for. And it was great for a little while and i felt really great then other things about his past with his ex started popping up and he ended it. I never actually got the chance to even be his gf but everything happens for a reason right?      Because of that Co

I decided to start a new blog because i just lost track of the other one and stopped posting. Too much complaining about the last boy I was with and well if you want to read it: http://madxhatter42.blogspot.com/ ANY WHO, Since the last time i posted I ended up getting a dollar raise at work, too bad its still not enough. The two new co workers we got are fabulous. We work well together and they work hard! I am still looking for another job though. I completed my Veterinary Assistant class through Penn Foster. Not much but its something i can add to my resume. Corey (the boyfriend) sasses me all the time about getting a new job and I understand why I need one i think its just scary leaving a place that i like working at and have kind of like a second family there and love learning as much as i am. But that doesn't give me the money that I need to pay off my thousands of dollars in student loans.I still hang out with Anthony like once a month and we still talk. We are good friends